just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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