I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
