This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
