Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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