We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
