Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
