saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
