Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers