my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
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You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.