made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
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It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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