i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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