Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
