3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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