Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
