so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
