i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
