the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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