so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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