I'm gonna have a badass scar
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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