We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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