This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
