My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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