morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
