Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
it glows. i had to have it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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