I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
