We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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