I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
