I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
