Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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