Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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