you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I smell like Dick and happiness
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
