I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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