Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
