i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
