i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
