I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
