Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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