New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
