please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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