We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
