Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
