I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
