R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
