he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
