theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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