TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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