me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
