I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
