Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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