I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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