i would punch a child for taco bell
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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