once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
