The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
