Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
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I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
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I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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