I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
