I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
