youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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