maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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