i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
