I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...