I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week