I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"